End of Summer Blues

I'm writing this post because so far, today has been challenging for me. It takes a lot to make a day go from normal to challenging for me, but the culprit of a challenging day is always the same: overthinking and anxiety.

I am at the end of my term as a nanny for the family that I've been working for this summer, and I'm ready to be done. The change was sudden, but now more than ever I'm looking forward to just getting out of here. I was explaining to my boyfriend how I was dreading going to my last few days as a nanny, because it just seemed sort of pointless. He commented that my feelings made sense, because it was sort of like putting in a two weeks notice.

I think that I can handle a lot more anxiety than I used to, because I am more aware of what's going on around me than what's going on in my head. This maybe seems like no big deal to some of you, but for me this is huge. Even a couple months ago, I really struggled with this. People would tell me to do certain things that I now realize really do help, but they seemed impossible at the time.

My anxiety, I now realize, is not as random as I used to think. I can pinpoint the exact time that each of my episodes have started. Basically, I become anxious when a date that I am dreading is approaching, but I also become anxious when a date that I am eager for is approaching. The first scenario makes a lot more sense than the latter, doesn't it? But the feeling I get when I just want to get up and do something is the same as the feeling I get when I just want to fast forward time and just get to next week, for example. Next week I have the entire week off, and I don't have to go back to nannying the week after!

The fact that I am able to pinpoint what triggers my anxiety like this has sort of led me to a realization: I have the power to change my reaction when these triggers arise. I don't need to feel ashamed at my anxious state, or the unwanted thoughts that usually follow the anxious state. I just need to understand what I already know: this is what happens when I get anxiety, and leave it at that.

I think that I will no longer be a nanny after this summer. For me, being alone with small people all day that are not my own can just be a little much for me at this time, because I am never truly at peace when I am doing nanny work. Occasional babysitting and after school work is fine for me, because I still love caring for kids, but I've dealt with anxiety before while nannying, and I don't need to force myself into another situation that heightens my mental state. Is that a cowardly decision? No, because what am I trying to prove, that I can put myself through extensive mental strain? Why would I want to prove that?

I'm just bored of the thoughts that arise while I am anxious now. Will they always be hand-in-hand with my anxiety? Maybe, but they stay for a much shorter period of time.

I'm looking forward to continuing on this journey of physical and mental growth. It's challenging, but I'm learning more and more about what I need to make the best decisions and be the most helpful person I can be.